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Jay's Site.com > Humor > Jokes > Guide to being annoying
- Calling a pizza place:- Rent a pizza.
- Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
- Ask to see a menu.
- Specify that your order is "to go".
- Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it.
- Use CB lingo where applicable.
- Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
- Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
- Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
- Answer their questions with questions.
- In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
- Sing the order to the tune of your favorite Christmas song.
- Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
- Stutter on the letter "p."
- Ask what the order taker is wearing.
- Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
- Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
- Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
- Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. ("Can I have pepperoni, sausage, and maybe some caviar?")
- Change your accent every three seconds.
- Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
- Say
"Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so
is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer
proof that it is, in fact (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you
know what it's like to be lied to?"
- Move
the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When
the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye
at the top of your lungs.
- Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
- Imitate the order taker's voice.
- Eliminate verbs from your speech.
- When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
- Say
it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind
some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise
him/her.
- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
- Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
- Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
- Psychoanalyze the order taker.
- Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
- Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
- Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
- Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
- Report a petty theft to the order taker.
- Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
- If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
- Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
- Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
- Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
- Be vague in your order.
- When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
- Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
- State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
- Ask
if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
- Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
- Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
- Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
- Put them on hold.
- Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
- Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
- Make
the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No
mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
- When
the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again,
change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
- When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
- Order a one-inch pizza.
- Order term life insurance.
- When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
- Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
- While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
- Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
- Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
- If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
- Order a steamed pizza.
- Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
- Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
- General: 1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter who.
2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3)
Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when
people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5) Improvise Italian operas.
6) Gossip about someone to their face.
7) Answer every question with a question.
8) Repeat yourself constantly.
9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10) Repeat yourself constantly.
11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12) Repeat yourself constantly.
13) Change what you repeat every now and then.
14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15) Change what you repeat every now and then.
16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18) Change what you repeat every now and then.
19) One word: Caffeine.
20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.
22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.
23) Change what you repeat again.
24) Speak in rapid Spanish.
25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.
26)
When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to
breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.
27) Change what you repeat again.
28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.
29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.
30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.
31) Pretend to be drunk.
32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.
33) Change what you repeat again.
34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.
35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.
36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.
37) Change what you repeat again.
38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.
39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.
40) Pretend to be high.
41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
42) Change what you repeat again.
43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.
44) Speak in Gaelic.
45) Blink rapidly and constantly.
46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.
47) Strut.
48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."
51)
Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for
Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.
* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies.
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
*
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and
repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
*
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers
theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
*
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
*
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batabatabatabatabata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
*
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in
a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
*
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
Fun at Wal-Mart:
- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
- Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
- Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
- Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
- Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
- Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
- When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
- Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
- Play with the automatic doors.
- Walk
up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so
long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
- While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
- Repeat the above in the jewelry department.
- Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
- Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
- Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.
- As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
- Put M&M's on layaway.
- Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
- Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
- Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
- Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
- TP as much of the store as possible.
- Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
- Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
- When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
- When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
- Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
- Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
- Take bets on the battle described above.
- Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
- Hold indoor shopping cart races.
- Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
- Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
- Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
- Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
- Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
- Two words: "Marco Polo."
- Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
- "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
- When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
- Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
- Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
- Drag
a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store
has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out
much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
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