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Jay's Site.com > Humor > Jokes > Kids
Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day was.
'Easy,' I answered. 'It's nine months before Mother's Day.'
If my son is getting half as much out of university as the university is getting out of me, he'll be a success.
Father's Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were growing up. I was always afraid they were going to give me a present that I couldn't afford.
I've got three TVs, cable and a satellite dish; I have three phone lines into the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager. I use two computers, three ISPs and a fax machine. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch the news on every channel every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity the poor kids. Most of them know what to buy for Father's Day they just don't know which 'Father' to give it to.
Neither of my kids ever understood my logic. Both of them failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.
A friend of mine had five kids.
When the youngest finally turned 16 and was the last one left at home, my friend posted a sign on the kid's bedroom door: check-out time is 18.
'Never trust a dog to watch your food.' - Patrick, aged 10.
'When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer.'- Hannah, aged 9.
'Never tell your mum her diet's not working.' - Michael, aged 14.
'Stay away from prunes.' - Randy, aged 9.
'Don't squat with your spurs on.' - Noronha, aged 13.
'Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.' - Emily, aged 10.
'When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.' - Taylia, aged 11.
'Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.' - Traci, aged 14.
'Don't sneeze in front of your mum when you're eating crackers.' - Mitchell, aged 12.
'Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.' - Andrew, aged 9.
'Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.' - Kyoyo, aged 9.
'You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.' - Armir, aged 9.
'Don't wear polka-dotted underwear under white shorts.' - Kellie, aged 11.
'If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.' - Naomi, aged 15.
'Felt pens are not good to use as lipstick.' - Lauren, aged 9.
'Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.' - Joel, aged 10.
'When you get a bad grade at school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone.' - Alyesha, aged 13.
'Never try to baptise a cat.' - Eileen, aged 8.
The kindergarten kids had graduated to the infant class. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, 'No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.'
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, 'No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word.'
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and, in a very adult way, replied, 'Winnie the Shit.'
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying,
'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your arses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son,
'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
She hears the little boy continue
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
'For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
25 children's books you'll never see:
1. You are different and that's bad.
2. Pop goes the hamster. . . and other great microwave games.
3. Testing homemade parachutes using only your household pets. . .
4. Barbar meets the Taxidermist.
5. Curious George and the high-voltage fence.
6. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.
7. Start a real estate empire with the change from your mum's purse.
8. Daddy's new wife Timothy.
9. The pop-up book of human anatomy.
10. Things rich kids have, but you never will.
11. The Care Bears maul some campers and are shot dead.
12. How to become the dominant military power in your elementary school.
13. Controlling the playground: Respect through fear.
14. You were an accident.
15. Strangers have the best sweets.
16. The Little Sissy who snitched.
17. Some kittens can fly!
18. Getting more chocolate on your face.
19. Kathy was so bad her mum stopped loving her.
20. The kids' guide to hitchhiking.
21. When Mummy and Daddy don't know the answer, they say God did it.
22. Garfield gets feline leukemia.
23. Why can't Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet befriends?
24. Bi-curious George.
25. Daddy drinks because you cry.
A teacher was giving class lessons in morals and asked for examples.
Little Mary stood up and said,
'My father is a chicken farmer and when we collect the eggs each morning, we take more than one basket, so you don't put all your eggs in one basket.'
'Very good, Mary,' said the teacher. 'Any more morals?'
Little Johnny stands up.
'During the war,' he says, 'my Uncle Charlie was alone in a fox-hole with a rifle and a bottle of whisky.'
'A whole German battalion was approaching him, so he had a big gulp of the whisky and fired all his bullets at the Germans, killing at least 100. He fell back into the fox-hole, took another large swig of whisky and ran out and used his bayonet and rifle butt to kill all the Germans left.'
'That's very brave of your uncle,' said the teacher, 'but where's the moral to the story?'
'Well.' said Johnny, 'You don't f*** around with Uncle Charlie when he's been on the piss.'
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