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Jay's Site.com > Humor > Jokes > Miscellaneous
(Pig 'n Bitch)
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out of her window and yells,
'PIG'.
The man immediately leans out his window and screams back,
'BITCH'.
They continue on their way. As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
(Ladies Toilet)
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'
(Once a Cowboy)
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked him,
'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied,
'Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am.'
He then asked her what she was. She replied,
'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.'
A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,
'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied,
'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
($10 is $10)
Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the fair every year and every year Stumpy would say,
'Martha, I'd like to ride in that there aeroplane.'
And every year Martha would say,
'I know Stumpy, but that aeroplane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.'
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
'Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.
Martha replied
'Stumpy that aeroplane costs $10 and $10 is $10
The pilot overheard them and said
'Folks. I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's $10.’
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns' rolls and dives' but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy,
'By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.'
Stumpy replied,
'Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out but $10 is $10.'
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was very strong and things went from bad to worse when one wing of the plane was struck by lightning.
One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells,
'Well, if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I'm fed up with it. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
'I can make you feel like a woman,' he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation.
The stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding the shirt to the trembling woman and says.
'Iron this.'
The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence,
'if you can read this you're too damned close' embroidered on her panties and bra.
'Yes madam,' said the assistant,
'I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?'
'Braille.' she replied.
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