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Jay's Site.com > Humor > Jokes > Puns
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5000 quid.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as own-payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
When Artie was tried and found guilty, the headlines read, 'Artie Chokes Two for a Pound at Sainsbury's!'
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.
After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, 'Who owns the white horse tied up outside?'
The Lone Ranger said, 'Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?'
'Because it’s collapsed and looks like it's dying,' says the stranger.
So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.
'He's probably just suffering from the heat,' says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.
The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, 'Who owns the white horse outside?'
The Lone Ranger says, 'That's mine, what's the problem this time?'
'Oh, no problem,' says the stranger, 'it's just that you've left your injun running.'
Back in the old days of the Soviet Union, a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
'I think it's raining,' he said to his wife.
'No, that felt more like snow to me,' she replied.
'No, I'm sure it was just rain,' he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a minor Communist Party official walking towards them.
'Let's not fight about it,' the man said. 'Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.'
As the official approached, the man said, 'Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?'
'It's raining, of course,' he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, ‘I know that felt like snow.'
The man quietly replied, 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'
This bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar".
The bear bangs on the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars".
The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids".
The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen".
In exasperation, the bear bites the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve bears who are on drugs".
The bear says "On drugs?"
The barman says "Yes - I saw the bar-bit-u-ate"
Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said "NO STRINGS ALLOWED."
Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.
The bartender said "Can't your read?" and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.
The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.
The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.
Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.
"Say," asked the bartender suspiciously, "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
'Fraid not," replied the string.
The first little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK".
Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bar man said straight ahead.
Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK".
Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bar man said straight ahead.
The third little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK".
Then the Bar man said "I suppose you want to use the toilet", but the third little pig said "No, I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home".
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