| |
Jay's Site.com > Humor > Jokes > Gender Wars
(Shower like a Man)
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her your tackle making the 'woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk on top of your head.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go 'Yeah baby' and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
(Men wish women knew)
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up - put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine - really.
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Dawson Creek girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex.
(Different thoughts)
A girl and boy had been having a relationship for about four months and one Friday night after work they meet in a bar. They stay for a few drinks and then go on to get some food at a restaurant near their respective houses. They eat then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been me because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something, so I ask him and he says no, but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means, because you know he doesn't say it back or anything, so when we get back to his place I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks any more, I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.
(Bridge to Hawaii)
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said,
'OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.'
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'
The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No, think of another wish.'
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,
'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing"... know how to make them truly happy. .'
The genie said,
'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'
(Frog wishes)
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her,
'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more.'
The woman said,
'That would be OK,' and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her,
'You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and that women will flock to him.'
The woman replied,
'That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.'
So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,
'That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you.'
The woman said,
'That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.'
So, poof - she's the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered,
'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
(The lucky sex)
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We never ejaculate prematurely.
4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
5. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blowup doll, it's pathetic.
6. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
10. Taxis stop for us.
11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
12. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).
14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
15. We know the truth about whether size matters.
16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
17. If we have sex with someone and don't call the next day, we're not the devil.
18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
19. We can sleep our way to the top.
20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
21. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.
23. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.
28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
30. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
34. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
36. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
37. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
Next page >>
|
Recent Forum Topics
I don't know what to put here now. |
|
