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Jay's Site.com > Humor > Jokes > Gender Wars
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(One for the boys)
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts the sentence with, `A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the stove.
Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you've let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent - wedding cake.
(Womens personal ads)
40-ish. . . 48.
Adventurous... has had more partners than you ever will.
Athletic... flat-chested.
Average looking... ugly.
Beautiful... pathological liar.
Contagious smile... bring your penicillin.
Educated... college dropout.
Emotionally secure... medicated.
Feminist... fat ball-buster.
Free spirit. . . substance user.
Friendship first. . . trying to live down a reputation as a slut.
Fun... annoying.
Gentle... comatose.
Good listener... borderline autistic.
New-age... all body hair, all the time.
Old-fashioned ... lights out, missionary position only.
Open-minded... desperate.
Outgoing. . . loud.
Passionate. . . loud.
Poet... depressive schizophrenic.
Redhead... shops in the Clairol section.
Rubenesque... grossly fat.
Romantic. . . looks better by candlelight.
Voluptuous... very fat.
Weight proportional to height... hugely fat.
Wants soul mate... one step away from stalking.
Widow... nagged first husband to death.
Young at heart... toothless crone.
(Mens personal ads)
40-ish... 52 and looking for 25-year-old.
Athletic... sits on the couch and watches sport.
Average looking... unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back.
Educated... will always treat you like an idiot.
Free spirit. . . sleeps with your sister.
Friendship first... as long as friendship involves nudity.
Fun... good with a remote and a six-pack.
Good looking... arrogant.
Honest... pathological liar.
Huggable... overweight, more body hair than a bear.
Likes to cuddle... insecure, overly dependent.
Mature... until you get to know him.
Open-minded... wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested.
Physically fit.. . I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself.
Poet... has written on a toilet wall.
Spiritual... once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday.
Stable... occasional stalker, but never arrested.
Thoughtful... says 'please' when demanding a beer.
(Mens needs)
A husband and wife are getting snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says,
'I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me.'
The husband says, 'WHAT!'
The wife explains that he can't be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So, the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide.
He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 a pair. And then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says,
`But you don't even play tennis, but OK, if you like it, then let's get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down so excitedly she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says,
'I am ready to go. Let's go to the cash register.'
The husband says, 'No-no-no honey, we're not going to buy all this stuff.'
The wife's face goes blank.
'No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.'
Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and the husband says,
'You can't be in tune with my financial needs as a man!'
(Stress Diet)
THE FEMALE STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:
Breakfast - I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk.
Lunch - Small portion of lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I Tim Tam.
Afternoon Tea - The rest of the packet of Tim Tams, I tub of Tip Top ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella.
Dinner - 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars.
Late Night Snack - Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.
Diet Rules
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka...)
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.
10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.
11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.
12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)
And remember: 'STRESSED' SPELT BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'!
(10 things about PMS)
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, 'How's my driving? Call 1 800 ****"**.'
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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