For the past week, I’ve had a contagious tumor so I couldn’t go to school. It’s okay, I was enrolled at a crappy school with only ten students and no teachers, so I wasn’t missing anything. But thank Pontius Pilot I am switching back to the less crappy school that I spent my sophomore year in.

Since I was sick, I missed my last week at the small school. So there were no awkward goodbyes with idiotic teachers. Even though … I just said … that the school has no teachers … well, you know this is all bullshit anyway.

Unfortunately, the moment my tumor swelled up, exploded, and I started feeling better, I had to return to school. Just to return textbooks.

I walked into the school, which was in the process of dismissing. Since I’ve been gone so long, the place has become a graveyard. The corpses were digging out of their holes as fast as they could so they wouldn’t miss the dismissal bus. What a sight.

I made my way past the gravestones to my locker. Once there, I entered my combo. I got all my textbooks and put them in my pocket so that I could maneuver my way back through the graveyard.

I kinda felt sorry for all the people in the graveyard desperately trying to mosey to their busses. Today’s schoolteachers give so much homework that some people’s bookbags were falling off their shoulders, and the student’s frail skeleton-like body just … fell apart. I had no idea the school was so affected by my absence!

So of course, when I tried to make my way to the main office to return books, I ran into some people. No, I didn’t actually run into them, that’s an old joke. My chemistry teacher decided to talk to me.

“Feeling better, eh?” she asked.

“Yeah … eh … but you know I’m leaving this school right?”

“Eh? You are?!” she farted with shock.

“Eh, yeah, but it’s only because you suck,” I comforted.

“Wow … I’m sorry to hear that, eh?” she said.

“Eh, sucks for you,” I reassured.

“Oh. Okay,” she said. She began to walk away with her head down solemnly. After a couple steps, she put up her finger to say one last word to me. “Eh.”

I committed her unforgettable goodbye to memory and walked on.

I met up with my stalker, Rognav. I was about to say ‘hey’ but I remembered that he’s too shy to receive incoming communication. But I was wrong. The small school has transformed him, and he now talks to five out of the ten students there. He feels like Mr. Outgoing now.

After standing in front of me for a total of 37 sorta awkward seconds, he finally found his voice to speak to me.

“You … ? Leaves … ? School … ?” he asked.

I didn’t want to waste any more time standing there so I just flipped him off and kept walking. But he cartwheeled in front of me so I could see him, and mooned me. I mean, totally mooned me with the utmost disrespect. By that, I mean, he actually stood there, removed his shoes, socks, pants and underwear, shirt, hat, wig, chesthair, condom, and buttplug, and he gave me a full moon. I pulled my English novel out of my pocket and shoved it into his ass, and then I finally moved on.

I finally made it to the main office and piled my books on the table. The ‘secret Aries’ (that’s what the secretaries call themselves to give themselves self-esteem) processed them, looked at my records, and asked about my missing English novel.

“You conniving piece of shit! You stole our last copy of Fahrenheit 451!!!” she queried.

“I … uh …” As much as I wanted to tell her where I’d stuck it, I also didn’t want to admit to anything in case Rognav is unable to ever walk again. So I came up with an excuse. “Fahrenheit 451? Oh … I accidentally burned it … sorry.”

She burst out laughing, because she had a feeling that was funny but she had never read the book so she didn’t know why. She let me go without further questions.

I turned to leave. I could hear people playing basketball in the gym. Two balls came rolling up to me. They were odd – not like any basketball I’d ever seen before. And they were huge.

“Jay?” Anela’s sad voice called my name.

I looked up and was embarrassed for looking at Anela’s boobs.

“Are you seriously, seriously leaving?” she was almost in tears.

“Uh, yeah, why?” I’d heard rumors that Anela had the hots for me, but I’d thought it was just another government conspiracy.

“Forever and ever?”

“Yeah. Getting up outta herr.”

“But I … I love you Jay! You can’t leave me!” her boobs bounced as she frantically shouted.

“Yeah bye,” I walked away.

I started to open the doo— “Wait!” she called.

“What?”

“At least … at least let … let me … I-I just want …” she was stuttering.

“What?? Spit it out!”

“I wanna …” she began, “li-li-lick you from your head to your toes… And I wanna … move from the bed, down to the … down to the … to the floor. And I wanna, ah AH!” she began to orgasm right there, “you make it so good I don’t wanna leave! But I got to … kn-kn-kn-know what-what’s your fan-ta-ta-sy!”

“… What?”

She sighed. “Never mind. This article is too long anyway.”

I nodded. “That’s what I was going to say.”

“Bye,” she looked up at me, her eyes having three white dots in them for some strange, freaky reason.

I didn’t want to ask questions, so I finally walked out the door.

Goodbye, Tabernacle.

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